you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
