He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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