i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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