Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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