wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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