Will you blow on my dice?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's always time for handjobs
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize