Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
