I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
