why didn't you poke me back
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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