I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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