Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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