I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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