So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
