the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
