i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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