After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
