the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize