I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
