There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize