last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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