she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
