it's too hot outside to masturbate.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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