I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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