fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
