o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
