I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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