i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
