I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize