??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
