I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
