i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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