i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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