I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
