hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
