4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
