So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
