i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
