I wish my penis had an off switch
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
