The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
