There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
