Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
