Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
