Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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