When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
