Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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