is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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