just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
