I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
