He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
