I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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