She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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