I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
