This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
