Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
