So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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