Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
