Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
