I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
