My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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