i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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