Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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