I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
