I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
